Wedding days
To celebrate love is to celebrate the sweetness of life. Cake, when distilled to its simplest form, is edible love, hence its ubiquity in celebrations of eternal devotion.
Birthdays
Fish need water. Humans need oxygen. Birthdays need cake. This is the order of the universe. Birthday parties devoid of cake are beyond unpleasant; in fact, they are listed in the Book of Revelation as the number one cause of the apocalypse. A bath of hellfire would be more enjoyable than a birthday without cake. If someone has invited you to their bday bash, you should always inquire about the status of the cake, lest you be subjected to unimaginable agony. To be safe, bake a cake to bring to every earth-circling bonanza. The host will be grateful because there is no such thing as too much cake. (And don’t be shy, ask for the leftovers.)
Mondays
The bitterest of weekdays deserve the sweetest of treats.
President’s day
What better way to honor the memory of our country’s former presidents than with cake? As their memory fades away with time — temporary, like all remarkable things — we recommend ice cream cake, which will be eaten, or it will melt.
Tuesdays
The sophomore day of the week can feel lost, imposing, and uncertain. Give your Tuesdays meaning with cake.
A night in with family or friends or both
Nothing brings people together like baking. A tradition as old as time itself, baking originated before man. Biologists have determined that the first cells on Earth developed arms so that they could beat eggs into batter and preheat ovens to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. The first evidence of human cooperation was in ancient, microscopic bakeries. Baking cake is what drove evolution, and it still drives togetherness today. Celebrate kinship, love, and humanity by baking a cake with your dearest friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers, or anyone, really.
A night in alone
So, you finally have a moment to yourself. In this rapidly changing, unpredictable world, use your free time to do something you know, with 100% certainty, will bring you joy — baking. You can even share your creations with others (or not, we won’t tell).
Wednesdays
Forget Mondays, Wednesdays are unequivocally the worst day of the week. Wednesdays are cesspools for despair and loneliness. Wednesdays have literally no redeeming qualities… unless… cake. Doctors agree, the only way to cure the intolerable dreariness of a Wednesday is by baking a cake. We don’t make the rules. We just put them into digestible lists.
Thursdays
To celebrate surviving Wednesday, bake some cake!
Halloween
While not known for cake, Halloween is an excellent opportunity to devour spongy delicacies. Candy is heavily processed, arrives in plastic packaging, and is utterly soulless. Cake, on the other hand, is loving and cultured; it requires a refined pallet to enjoy and tender hands to make. In this recipe for a tasteful Halloween, substitute cake for candy.
Fridays and Saturdays
Friday and Saturday are the bad-boy days of the week — the party days. Like an echo in the cavernous pantry of the sublime, when someone says “party,” the rejoinder is always “cake.” Emphatically — every party needs it, and baking it happens to be more enjoyable than the actual festivities.
Sundays and everyday thereafter
In heaven, the cake is always moist and decadent, brimming with love and happiness, but cake transcends religion, time, and space; it shines brightness on the darkest corners of the universe and lifts the spirits of mankind, bringing humans together to celebrate one of our finest creations. Everyday is a good day for cake.
